My past few months

Recently I have found myself in the midst of a paradigm shift. A sinner pleading for Grace transformed into a Saint—striving to rid myself of all but love. Everything I clung to—beauty, safety…that very Love I used to speak of so often are being stripped away and in their place—Hate, darkness and hopelessness. My God, the very fibers of my soul cry out in fierce protest. The dichotomous environment that creates when a soul filled with His spirit is forced to stare disgusting evil in the face causes such strong repulsion. Like opposite forces of magnetic fields.

Yet here I am…wanting to run. Perhaps to paralyzed to do so—Mocked by evil. Oh so like David I feel, surrounded by a thousand better qualified, clothed in steel, yet me standing naked. This giant is relentless… monumental, the very embodiment of evil. And there’s that craving to run.

I’ve stared evil in the face—I know its name, I’ve memorized its trademark, I’ve seen its movements—its antics, its schemes and stances. Dear God this moaning, is it mine or creations? But worse—so much worse, I’ve seen those who lie in its path—STOP—so much to speak of—too much to say. STOP—you know not what you speak of.

Already I feel prostituted by darkness. So dark—so dark, so wrong, so evil—evil, evil hate filled world. How do you not hate it in return? How can I not hate, hate all of it?! Oh Father, I am so lost in this ocean of cruelty—and this is what I have to surround myself with—this is what I must breathe? Must I breathe disgusting, horrible shit?

Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? If there is another purpose for my life show me. Show me now before I contaminate myself one day more. Show me now, or let me disappear inside of you, so that this won’t ruin me.

Fill me with light. Drench me in nothing short save your perfect Grace and Purity. Oh most Holy, Sacred Christ—be my Light my pure, enduring illustrious illumination, for I am surrounded by Black.

Heal my soul.